July 17th 2014 at approx 04/05:00, my daughter Emily and I were told by the doctors of the Royal Preston hospital, that nothing could be done for my dear wife Joanne. Nothing can prepare you for such news, even though I had already suspected that Joanne's sudden collapse was really bad I still could not comprehend what I was being told. Only a few hours earlier Joanne and I were lying on our Hotel bed discussing where we should go for Emily's graduation lunch. We had travelled to Preston earlier that day to attend Emily's graduation on the following day, it was a normal day for all of us, Joanne took some funny photos of Emily sleeping in the car which she would use later in Emily’s graduation album. Joanne was in good spirits and in good health. We arrived in Preston centre and the three of us checked into our hotel. Josh, Emily’s boyfriend arrived as we were checking in. We went out for dinner and a beer, no signs of what was to follow later that evening were evident. I was just preparing for bed and brushing my teeth in the bathroom, suddenly Joanne let out a scream that she had a really bad pain in her head, I came back to the bedroom and she asked me to find her cool patch, Jo suffered migraines so to me it just seemed like another episode, I went back to the bathroom to put down my tooth brush and find the patch. I heard Joanne get up off the bed, a few seconds later I heard Joanne slump back on the bed, I went to her side and she was out cold, I didn't really know what to think or do, I tried to rouse her as I thought she had feinted, but her breathing was really shallow, when there was no response I phoned reception for an ambulance and also called Emily to our room. Emily arrived and she also thought Joanne had feinted and put her in a recovery position but Joanne stopped breathing, we just looked at each other! We laid her on her back and she began to breath again. In a few minutes the ambulance crew arrived. I described the symptoms and they immediately moved her downstairs to the ambulance. I still did not know the gravity of Joanne's condition and I told Emily to go back to her room and I would call her from the hospital. The ambulance crew said that we would be going straight to A&E but they asked me to wait outside the ambulance whilst they prepared Joanne for the journey. They also told me that Emily should come to the hospital as well. We waited by the side of the ambulance for what seemed like an eternity, another paramedic arrived and we were still waiting, a lot was going through my mind during this time, like how long would I need to be in Preston whilst Joanne was recovering, could we move her back to our local hospital etc. I was also a bit worried about our daughter Alice, who was in Canada on a three month rugby tour, would she need to come home? Finally the crew advised us we would be leaving, Joanne was attached to all kinds of equipment, and apparently it took a long time to get a breathing tube down Joanne's throat as she vomited all she had eaten that day. Emily sat in the front of the ambulance and I sat in the back with Joanne. On the short journey to the hospital we had to stop once because Joanne's became unstable. Sitting in the ambulance looking at my beautiful wife in such a state I suddenly became aware that this was very serious, more serious than I could ever imagine. We arrived at Royal Preston A&E and we were asked to check Joanne in at reception, someone collected us from reception and took us to a relative’s waiting room. A while later I spoke to a doctor who told me that Joanne was very ill and had suffered a cardiac arrest when she was brought in, they started her heart again and stabilised her. Now I was beginning to understand that this was bad. Both Emily and I paced the room and cried for what seemed like hours. I made calls to Joanne's sister Linda, and also my parents who were coming to the graduation that morning, I told them I would let them know how Joanne was doing. Eventually the doctors told me they needed to talk to us. Four people arrived and closed the door to the relative’s room. Emily and I sat stunned whilst we were told that Joanne had suffered a massive brain bleed and that nothing could be done for her. There was no outburst or screaming from either of us we wept in what appeared to be silence then Emily asked quite loudly why they could not help her mum, we were told that the bleed was too severe and that no operation would save her, she had already undergone a brain scan and the neurosurgeons were in agreement that Joanne's case was hopeless. Whilst taking in the worst news you could possibly want to hear, I was also asked to consider Joanne as an organ donor. I still cannot believe that I had the composure to agree but to ensure that Joanne was not touched until Alice, my eldest daughter arrived from Canada. We were left in the waiting room for quite a long time and were told we could go and see Joanne but they need some time to prepare her. Emily and I cried and comforted each other and eventually we were taken to see Joanne. Apart from the machines helping her to breathe she just looked asleep and the inner me just kept willing her to wake up. Despite being told there was no hope I was still clinging onto the possibility that she would wake up. We stood there crying and talking to Joanne. We were told that Joanne needed to go to the CCU (Critical Care Unit) but there were no available beds. There was a plan to put Joanne on a special ward, which we were taken to at approx. 5am. Ironically the ward that Joanne was placed into was the recovery ward. Even now I was hoping for a chance of some recovery. In the ward Joanne was given her own section all other beds were moved out which meant that we could be with Joanne in privacy. The nursing staff were great and really took care of Joanne with a nurse present at ALL times. The nurses made room on the bed so we could lie down with Jo and cuddle her, Emily spent a lot of time with her mum. When we were settled I had to make three calls, Alice who still could not be contacted, Linda and my parents. I just asked Alice to call me immediately but I had to tell Linda and my father the devastating news that Joanne was gone, those calls were hard and I could barely speak at the beginning but were nothing compared to the call that would come later in the morning. I left Emily lying with her mother and eventually she fell asleep next to her mum. The nursing staff kept asking me about contact with Alice and I had an overwhelming feeling that they were keen to harvest Joanne's organs as quick as they could. Finally Alice sent me a text and I immediately called her. I don't really remember much about the call except hearing Alice scream and say that she hadn't spoken to mum since arriving in Canada and she was looking forward to seeing her and telling all the stories. The worst thing was my phone battery was almost gone so I had to tell her if the call ended she needed to call Emily's phone. The call was probably not that long with a lot of crying filling the call time. I was so worried about ending the call and leaving Alice alone with no support, it was after all the early hours of the morning in Canada. I think I asked her to call a friend to get some support. I for sure told her to book a flight, any flight, but to get home as soon as possible. When the call ended I was so heartbroken and felt like such a shit for having to tell Alice such bad news over the phone. Josh, Emily's boyfriend was still at the hotel and we asked him to save our rooms, he kindly reserved (and paid for) our two hotel rooms for the following night, as I did not know what was happening. He arrived at the hospital early in the morning with chargers for our phones. With a bit more battery in my phone I called my best friend Bob, we were supposed to be going from Preston to his guesthouse in the Lake District to celebrate his 60th birthday. There was no reply so I asked him to call me. A while later he called back and I told him the horrible news. I left the ward and went to the shop to get some food and drinks, which we never really touched. A lot of specialists visited Joanne during the morning and I had a feeling they were vultures just waiting to get hold of Joanne. The reality was much different, because Joanne had a cardiac arrest and they struggled to keep her breathing they were concerned that she would just die in front of us. My parents arrived sometime in the morning and stayed most of the day. I eventually heard again from Alice, she spent the night with Rugby friends in Canada and had secured a flight to LHR and a connection to MAN to arrive the following morning. Joanne's brother Raymond would also arrive the same time but was driving from LHR. Joanne's care continued throughout the day and I was very happy with the care and thoughtfulness of all the team in Preston. Every time they did something they would talk to Joanne and tell her what they were doing. Blood tests were done in the morning to allow them to find donor matches, this caused the alarms to activate and the nursing staff had to spend time stabilising her. It seemed to me that they just took too much blood! A bereavement councillor and a donor specialist visited us and explained exactly what had happened to Joanne. July the donor specialist was a great help and spent a lot of time consoling us. At approx. 2pm we were told a room had become available on the CCU ward and we all moved. This was a much better place for Joanne and they were much better equipped to deal with her. The nursing staff on this ward were fantastic. At around 3pm a brain stem test needed to be done on Joanne by two doctors, the test was to determine if there was any brain activity and would determine if Joanne was actually brain dead, the object of the tests was to see if there was any movement of the fingers or eyelids etc. I elected to be present during these tests and July was with me. Watching the tests I could see that there was absolutely no response, despite being told she was gone it was heart breaking to watch. One final test was to remove the carbon dioxide from Joanne and see if she would draw breath....nothing! At 15:35 17th July the doctor pronounced Joanne brain dead, I broke down. During the afternoon Joanne's mother Dorothy, sister Linda, brother Paul and sister in law Pam arrived. It was a very sad time, Joanne's 94-year-old mother was distraught. Unlike Emily and I, they could not bear to be in the room with Joanne as it was too upsetting and spent much time in the relative’s room. I actually treasure the time we had with Joanne and believe it helped us to understand and cope. Joanne's third brother Chris and his wife Carol also came to Preston and their arrival was delayed by crappy traffic, another heart breaking moment ensued. The hospital had arranged two rooms for Emily and I in the hospitals on site Hotel we didn't need the rooms that Josh had booked but kept them anyway. I needed to go back to the hotel and recover all our things and car, so my Dad drove me there on his way home. Our hotel room in Preston was as we left it, the hotel staff did not make up the room as instructed. As soon as I got in the room and saw all Joanne's things I broke down for a long overdue scream, which was intense to the point of almost making myself sick, if I had eaten earlier it would have been a different story. Emily had much the same story when she went to her room. Paul and Pam returned home that night but Dorothy, Linda, Chris & carol would stay overnight so they used the rooms we reserved. We returned to the hospital and spent the night with Joanne, one of the nursing staff made us some tea and a massive pile of toast, this was the first thing we had eaten since the previous night, at 11pm we were so tired and needed to sleep, before we went July had another word with me and told me that time was ticking and the usefulness of Joanne's organs would diminish and they needed to act especially as they were concerned with Joanne having another arrest, they asked if Joanne did deteriorate that they could continue to harvest her organs. Emily and I had an overwhelming feeling that if we went to sleep we would come back and find her gone, especially as July sat with me earlier that evening to agree and sign the donor forms. I again stressed that Alice needed to say goodbye to her mum and that I didn't want this done in a chapel of rest. I went to sleep about midnight but was back on the ward at 3:45, I was so relieved that Joanne was still with us, she looked so beautiful and peaceful, I wept again and sat with Jo alone and in peace and quiet. Emily was back on the ward at around 7am. More tests were done on Jo during the morning to assess the condition of Jo's ability to donate. The test revealed that Joanne's heart was damaged by the cardiac arrest and would probably not be used but they would try to find a hospital to take it. Bob my best friend had offered to collect Alice from Manchester airport and they arrived at about 11am, we were sitting in the relative’s room at the time as more tests were being done. Heart breaking does not explain the feelings of seeing Alice again, she must have had such an awful journey. Bob was also distraught and we all cuddled and wept. It was not very long before Alice could go and see her mum. What a relief I felt. I was adamant that Joanne would not donor until Alice had seen and said goodbye to her mum. During the afternoon Alice and Emily washed Joanne’s hair plucked her eyebrows and made her up, the three of us also took some handprints of Jo using special ink and also with finger-paints we also took locks of hair for keepsakes. Alice's laid down next to her mum and eventually went to sleep, at that point Emily and I went into Preston to register Joanne's death, it needed to be done in Preston otherwise it would have been more difficult at home. Plus we needed a special form, which would allow the funeral directors to collect Joanne from Preston. We arrived back at the hospital and Raymond had still not arrived. The surgery to harvest Joanne's organs was scheduled for about 8pm so we still had some time left with Jo. We decided to get something to eat so went downstairs to the cafeteria. The three of us got something to eat and sat at a table, we began eating and Alice just started crying which set Emily and I off, we just sat sobbing and eating. Dorothy, Linda, Chris & Carol were still at the hospital but had moved outside waiting for Raymond. At around 6pm he eventually found the hospital and everyone arrived in Joanne's room to say their final goodbyes. It was a heart rendering time especially for Joanne's mother who was so distraught. The room was filled, me, Alice, Emily, Dorothy, Linda, Raymond, Chris & Carol. Each took their time to say goodbye, it was so sad. Eventually just me Alice & Emily were in the room with Jo saying our final farewell. Emily found this really hard, the surgical team were on the ward waiting to take Jo to theatre but they did not pressure us and gave us our own time, everyone else had moved to the relative’s room. I led Alice and Emily from Joanne's room was all crying, even some of the nursing staff had tears in their eyes. The surgical team needed to prepare Joanne for her journey to the theatre and took about 10 minutes. We were waiting in the relatives room and Joanne's bed was pushed past the room, I elected to have the door open and they paused at the door for one final goodbye, we're were all in floods of tears. Joanne was pushed through the ward doors and then she was GONE. We three still had rooms in the hospital hotel and we just went back to our rooms. Emily suggested we all sleep together, which we did. In the morning we began the journey home. We stopped off at a services for breakfast, it was so strange to be at a services without Jo she would always order the food etc. we ate in the restaurant but there was an empty space next to us, it was a horrible meal. A few times on the way I cried which was mainly triggered by songs playing which made me remember Jo. We arrived home early in the afternoon, it was a strange feeling to arrive home without Jo. I charged Jo's phone (it was so typical for Jo to forget her phone charger). There was a message from Jo's cousin Gwen to advise that Joanne's elderly aunt Rossa only had a few days left, it was strange to receive such a message, as I am sure that all the family knew about Jo at that time. Aunt Rossa passed away a few days later. I also opened Joanne's computer to check her e-mail and there was an excited mail from her course tutor Claire to tell Joanne that she received a merit in her degree. I advised Claire of the tragic news who in turn advised Jo's classmates. Facebook frenzy ensued with many messages coming from Jo's classmates. On the Monday I began the arduous task of getting Joanne's estate in order and also arranging the funeral. We chose an undertakers in Frimley and the process was actually ok, Stephie took care of everything that day and the service was booked on the day for 01st Aug 13:30 My own feelings had so far been put on the back burner as I was taking care of things at the hospital and making sure that the girls were getting the support they needed, now that we were home I busied myself with anything I could find to do, anything to stop the feelings of despair. Alice and Emily had each other for support but I felt so alone, I of course am not alone as they both still live at home but at times I just needed a cuddle to tell me that it would be all ok in the end. Jo was my world and we had been together for nearly 40 years, she was so supportive of me and was my biggest fan. She took care of me so much and was always there for me whenever things got too much. As I contemplate a life without Jo I am frightened by loneliness, the girls will eventually move on with their own lives and it's that time that I am most afraid of. I cannot honestly see me having any other relationship in my life and I am now scared of having a long life, before Jo's passing I was scared of dying early, now the tables are turned and I do not wish for a long life. Three months in and the pain is still difficult to bear, at times I feel complete dread and feel so lost. I miss you so much Jo, you will never be replaced or forgotten.